The Eleven O’Clock News

by Charles Richard Laing

art by Ramos Fumes

 

      Ever wondered where the news comes from?

      At the nine o’clock station break, just before regular programming resumed, the Network aired a brief update of world events—a two-minute teaser for the Eleven O’Clock News.

      The news-deck was populated by two stylish news anchors.

      Richard District had been a fixture for nearly a quarter of a century, a grizzled, no-nonsense reporter. He was joined by Janet Tiller, a former model/journalist who had worked her tail off to rise above her initial stereotypical image, breaking away from the fluff pieces she was forced to do by hitting the streets and uncovering a series of brilliant reportorial coups. The two personalities worked together well, giving the station the highest-rated news telecast, constantly skunking the competition in the Nielson ratings.

      After the annoying theme music wound down, the anchors were cued. It was Janet’s turn to open.

      Good evening. I’m Janet Tiller, along with Richard District. Join us tonight at eleven, where we’ll be following these stories.

      Nearly 200 people are believed to be dead, as the plane that carried them crashed into the frigid waters of the Atlantic. Rescue teams have rushed to the area in a desperate attempt to locate survivors, but experts on the scene hold little hope for a happy ending. No cause has been given for the crash, but at this time, neither foul play nor human error have been ruled out by the authorities. Richard?

      Janet, a former police officer from Long Island is being held without bail tonight on the charge that, over a period of several days, he sadistically murdered his wife and his children in the game-room of his home. No motive has been discovered for the heinous crime. Our Doug Harris is on the scene. He will have reactions from stunned neighbors, along with an interview with a prominent psychologist about the increasing reports of inexplicable domestic violence that are plaguing the Tri-State area. Janet?

      Richard, members of the terrorist splinter group known as Divine Intervention claimed responsibility for the senseless bombing that killed eight innocent pre-schoolers last Thursday. A spokesman for the notorious underground movement has called the bombing quote ‘An exercise in education for lily-white middle America.’ So far, the FBI has been unable to round up any members of the organization. Richard?

      We’ll have further details on these and other late-breaking stories as they develop. Also, Ray will have pictures of the big brawl at the Mets-Phillies game, and Bob will update us on that tropical storm watch. Join us after the movie, on this and most of your local stations.

      Janet and Richard posed briefly as the closing credits were flashed across the screen. Only after they were in black did they relax.

      Another day, another family massacre, Richard quipped.

      That was a good story, Janet said. Extremely suggestive. It should set off a wave of copy-cat killings. Not to mention fermenting distrust in authority figures.

      Just like that shotgun rampage in Ohio last month,. Richard pointed out. Still, I’m worried about terrorism. The more stories we air, the lesser the impact. Random bombings are down twelve percent from just six months ago.

      You’re right, Janet agreed. I think we might have to kill off someone popular. A politician, perhaps. Or a rock star.

      Definitely a rock star, Richard said. How about some kind of ritual killing with racial overtones?

      Sounds perfect. Why don’t we go upstairs and suggest it to the writers?


     After you, Richard said gallantly. Ladies before gentlemen.

     Who’s a lady? Janet said sarcastically, extending several of her boneless limbs upward and dragging the attractive female manikin down behind the sophisticated puppet stage that doubled as a news-desk. Richard did the same with the grizzle male news-hawk model, responding in kind, Who’s a gentleman?

      When the props were safely stored away from curious human eyes, Janet and Richard slithered to the elevator, leaving a mysterious trail for the cleaning crew to ponder over. Once upstairs, they joined the rest of their kind, where they plotted the further extermination of the ugly, bipedal indigent species.

 

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